There are things I want to write about. Things I need to write about. Some of them I should probably even post about. But I am a worrier. And a scaredy-cat sometimes.
These are things writhing in my past, bubbling in my present, looming in my future. They are memories, mistakes, triumphs, losses, hopes, dreams. I think about them. Pray about them. And sometimes there is this urging.
Sometimes, when I am finally overcome, I scribble about them so swiftly that I know that it is coming from somewhere deeper. Somewhere else. It is not the methodical “Oh! I should write about that” and sitting down with the intent to converse and chronicle. While that type of writing is becoming so valuable to me, there is this other kind of writing that changes me.
These are scribbles of surrender. Finally giving up mulling, and realizing that in order to listen, to be obedient, I just have to get it down. And that, in and of itself, is a wonder and a relief. It is a deep sigh of my soul and a clearing and lightness.
But then sometimes, the urging continues.
Now what are you going to do with that? I am asked. And suddenly I am afraid. Self conscious. Timid even. Fluttering at the edge of a windy cliff.
And then a quiet word.
Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.
And nothing else. Nothing is more worthy of trust all the time. And I know why this writing changes me. Because it is part of a plan. It forces me to document the plan that I am trusting. I am documenting a storyline that is not completely my own. It is one that I often can’t see. That I frequently obscure with my silly scratching busyness.
It seems such a treacherous tiny path to try to decide what to keep inside and what to put out there. What is of value and what is vulgar. To balance transparency and discretion.
But I know that although I am not able to strike the balance, I know the One who can. I know that He knows what He can use, (and He can use just about anything). Most of all, He can use my weakness to reassure me, and maybe you, of His strength. He has got this.
If only I will trust Him with all of my heart, lean not on my own understanding, acknowledge Him in all ways, He will make my (tiny treacherous) paths straight.
I am reminded that when I read about those things from others, I am changed. I remember all of the times that I have been moved by reading someone else’s honest account of doubt, tragedy, monotony, or victory. My heart soars when they are courageously sharing the tough stuff. The messy stuff. Because… we connect. I am forced to recognize the completely-knock-me-to-my-knees-with-tears-in-my-eyes beauty of it all. I know that there is a way through it.
I know that this comfort has a purpose. That I was comforted (and am comforted still), so that I may comfort others. I am reminded that I have every reason to trust. Mine is the life vividly redeemed. When I have really trusted, I have never been let down. I will never be let down. We will never be let down.
We are promised that when we trust in the God of hope we will be filled with joy and peace. We will overflow with hope.
Well, sign me up!
So I will trust. And I will probably share. After prayerfully handing my pen over to the One who should really write the story, of course.